The Gender Blender
by T3h Toby-Chan
Summary: Winry tries her first transmutation, and screws up big time, initiating sex changes, crack, subtle social commentary, and huuuge... tracks of land. (CRACK!)


It wasn't Winry's intention to cause anything apocalyptic to happen. She'd simply come down with a horrible case of cramps, and had hoped there could be a solution to her problems.

It wasn't, in fact, at all a folly of her wits that an accident occured. After all, she was an incredibly intelligent scientist, however most might not notice it, having been distracted by her unfortunate condition of having breasts, which, as all people know, inevitably make a person, especially one with blonde hair, incurably dumb. Well, it_ was _partially due to her incriminating female hormones that she may have had a momentary lapse of judgement, but she had never studied alchemy before in her life, and therefore could not have possibly known that the elderly gypsy woman's kit she was sold was not in fact, a bona fide alchemy kit, but instead, a hodge podge of alchemy basics, old magic techniques, and plastic jewels.

She sighed as she finished copying the circle from the glossy manual pages onto the spare sheet of parchment, and satisfiedly admired her work. It wasn't too bad for a first transmutation circle. She knew this would be a snap.

She set her hands on the array and concentrated.

"All I want is to get rid of this flipping pain," She groaned, and the array sparked. The fact that a jar of red water that Ed had been studying for reference had fallen upon the circle just at the moment didn't really help. (So you see, children; being a messy slob can have disastrous effects. Clean your rooms.)

When she came to, she felt a little odd. She supposed it was just a showy mistake, and that the backfire was normal for a first transmutation. And yet... her dress felt tighter. She cracked her eyelid open and sat up, rubbing the back of her head.

Her hair was shorter.

"Muh-... WHAT!" She screeched as she felt her shoulders and chest, considerably broader and flatter, only to discover that her voice had suddenly taken a huge dive into the baritone area. She frantically looked around at everything in the room, her temporary living quarters adjoined to the Elric's dorm. It all seemed normal enough.

"Well, thank goodness nothing else got affected," S/he breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, no sooner had she submitted herself to the universal law of jinxing, than she heard a panicked screech of a very familiar voice, and her door swung open.

"Winry! Wiiinry! Something wierd happened! It's an emerge-" Edward screeched to a halt in his tracks, and gaped, pointing a gloved finger at his friend who was sitting confusedly on the floor,

"Oh my God! What happened to you?"

Winry scratched the back of her head and grinned,

"Well, I was trying out this little transmutation thing, and I guess I fudged up. Whoopsie." She was immediately answered with a comical bonk on the head, resulting in spinning stars.

"Ed? Y- y- you hit me! You've never hit me before!"

"Yeah, well, it's okay now. 'Cause I have these," Edward opened his jacket and bent over to point at the brand new pair of perky breasts he'd miraculously grown.

"Ed? Y-you mean, you-"

"Yup. I guess I'mma girl now. And because of that, now I can hit you, and it's cute," Edwina grinned, clearly enjoying the idea of vengance, "Wrench beating anyone?"

"Wait!" Winry cried out, "Consider the consequences! If you so much as lay a finger on me... or stand near me... or breathe- you'll be despised by thousands of fangirls."

Edwina scoffed.

"Why would anyone do that?"

"Haven't you noticed? I'm hot!"

"Not in a dress you're not."

"Haven't you noticed? The tranny/yaoi-boy appeal is very in these days."

"Well... that may be so... but it's kind of creeping me out,"

"Fine. I'll change."

It was fortunate that Winry (Who was now considering a name change... William, perhaps?) had the masculine occupation she had, because it meant she had plenty of boyish clothes on hand. Edwina saw no point in changing, and thus remained in the ridiculously fanservicey black tank top, which, having been designed for a flat chest was tight enough across the bosom to make Ranma do a double take and click his tongue over the immodesty.

It took several minutes of confusion for William to explain the importance of a bra to Edwina, who stubbornly refused, and it wound up in a comic tornado of cliche'd silly banter.

"Fine! I'll wear the stupid thing!"

"You'd better, tramp!"

Edwina began flailing frustratedly.

"Hey! Just because I'm a girl now, dosen't give you the right-"

"Put the stupid thing on! You're bouncing all over the place!" William protested, averting his gaze.

"Fine, then. Turn around."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't want you watching me!"

"Oh, come on, Ed. I AM a girl! I own that bra!"

"Please don't mention it! I'm having enough trouble with the thought of wearing your undergarments as it is."

"Oh, so I'm gross now?"

Sparks had begun to pop mysteriously from the air, just as another shriek came from the hallway, and a woman shouted,

"Fullmetal, I KNOW you had something to do with this!"

A very flustered looking woman scrambled in the room, looking frantically for Ed, finally pointed her finger and yelled,

"YOU!"

"... Colonel? Is that you?" Edwina squeaked, ogling the slender dark haired woman with knockout legs and an hourglass figure before coughing and trying to remind herself that she was a girl as well.

"Yes, it is me! What happened here?"

"... More importantly, Colonel... how did you get a hold of stilletto heels and hot pants?"

Female!Roy took a deep breath and calmly responded,

"The personal affairs of your superiors are something which you do not inquire into, Fullmetal."

Cue snorting on the part of both Edwina and William.

"Well, it's nice you've come, Roy- um, roy-... ko? We were just trying to get Ed into a bra.""You don't have to say it so loud!" Edwina now grew very flustered, which only added to her adorableness, and in addition to her bounciness made fanboys everywhere faint.

"Aw, come on, Ed. It's just something you have to deal with as a girl!" William was in no mood to take no from the bratty Edwina.

"Wait, you're not putting her in that little thing, are you?" Royko asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, what of it?" William muttered.

"Winr- erm- William, let me be frank with you. As a girl, you're a B... a C at the very most. But just look at these-" She poked Edwina's chest to illustrate her point.

"Are you saying Ed has bigger boobs tha-!"

"William! What are you trying to say with that degrading slang?" Royko admonished, pointing out Edwina's blatant embarrassment, having been forced into a strange body without any adjustment time, and then looked back at her chest contemplatively, " I mean if anything, they're..." (Poke, poke), "Knockers."

"HEY!"

"You mean magumbos?"

"Or scud missiles..." Another thoughtful squeeze.

"STOP GROPING MY CHEST, COLONEL!" Edwina fumed, punching Royko into the floorboards with her metal fist.

"Oy! Don't mind it so much. Girls do that to each other all the time, right, William?"

William's eyebrow twitched,

"Only in lingerie shops and your dirty comics..."

Royko looked downtrodden,

"Drat..."

"Well, if we can get past all of these wannabe Yuri antics, I think we oughta get out of here and try to figure out who else has been affected."

"Wait, what about your- um- your..." William tapped his fingers together nervously, "Your... bosoms?"

"We'll have to put up with it. Royko has a point. I'm way more stacked than you."

Wrench to the head.

"You know fullmetal, you could just_ ask_."

"Hn?"

Royko produced a handful of shiny lacy brassieres from out of nowhere.

"I'd say you're a good D..." She mused aloud, picking out a violet garment for Edwina.

"Colonel?"

"Hm?"

"Why do you have so many bras?"

"... I default to my previous statement. None o' your business!"

Edwina thought to push the subject further, but considered her health first. On went the bra.

The odd looking trio walked the streets in search of a familiar face. The strange shockwave transmutation hadn't seemed to be affecting the commonfolk in the market, so perhaps it was only something that applied to people they knew? (This is crack alchemy, folks. Scientific logic need not apply.)

They'd wandered, avoided stares, bought a few snacks, and did the general activities that are reserved for pointless filler wandering when they finally got a lead from where a crowd of young women were sighing, shrieking, and several of them passing out.

It was no surprise that at the center of the crowd was a very frustrated and unbearably handsome young man in a military uniform who was darn near being mobbed. Only a strong sense of agility and a threatening aim saved the superbly dishy blond gunman.

"Hawkeye? Hawkeye! Over here!" Royko waved, jumping up and down. The normally proper Hawkeye was so relieved at finding a familiar face, (No matter how gender flopped it was) that he dashed towards the colonel and hugged her gratefully. Royko blushed and muttered,

"Hawkeye... in public?"

"Just play along!" Hawkeye hissed, sliding his arm across her shoulder. Royko nervously but happily complied, and grinned through all of the venomous glares that bore through the couple as the mob of women stalked away in a dark cloud of dissappointment, hissing "Slut!" as they made their defeated march away.

"Thank you for showing up! I might have died! I'm so glad you changed too. If you were still a man, they might have just stuck around and cheered us on!"

"... that's true."

"Wow, Lieutenant Hawkeye. You look nice!" William commented.

"Same to you, Mister Rockbell. Quite a dashing young man you've made. And Ed... Is that _my_ bra?"

_Bra... bra... bra.._

The odd comment echoed, causing a communative stare and freeze at the now apparently perverted blond lieutenant.

Royko blushed, as Hawkeye hissed into her ear,

"_I thought you were keeping that for good luck_!"

"_It was an **emergency**_!"

"... I guess you're right... Edwina has _gigantic_ breasts for her height!"

"Stop talking about my chest!" Edwina spazzed in a manner normally reserved for height comments.

"Hey, Shorty!" A familiar voice echoed from a nearby shadowed alleyway.

"Don't call me short!"

"Just... get over here!" Dumbly and only for the sake of the plot, Edwina and company followed the voice into the alleyway to be met with a completely unchanged Envy who was leaning against a brick wall, frustratedly.

"Envy?" Edwina managed, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the shade.

"Yeah," Envy huffed.

"Where's Lust?"

"She went into hiding. She's too ashamed to let anyone see her now. I swear she had an unhealthy attatchment to her... assets."

"You mean you guys are affected too?" Edwina gaped, and the others blinked confusedly.

"Yup."

"Wait... why didn't you change?"

Envy looked taken aback by the question.

"I _did_!"

"No... you didn't."

"Yes I did!"

"You look the same..."

Envy sighed angrily and begrudgingly rolled up the spandex tank top.

"See?"

Edwina had to squint again, while the others stood and blushed.

"Um... Ooooohhh! Yeah, there they are. ... Look like mosquito bites."

Edwina's head against the wall was clearly Envy's little way of kindly saying, 'Stfu'.

When Ed came to, a familiar armor mask gazing worriedly him, and the alley was gone, giving way to their comfortable dorm.

"Oh, thank goodness! You're alright!"

"Al? Al! Thank God! I just had the wierdest dream! I was a girl, and-"  
Poit, poit.

"They're still there," Edwina felt the annoying squish as soon as she moved, "Dammit!"

"Broth- I mean, um.. Sister! I was worried about you. I heard you were badly injured. Then everyone else turned out... different."

"Yeah, Winry made some wierd mistake. We should try and figure out how to reverse it. But for now, you're lucky you don't have a body, Al. You didn't change at all!"

"Well... that is..." Al began, "I thought so too. But then I started doing things I normally do. Like picking up kittens, and being extra polite. You know, things that everyone finds cute?" A dark cloud emanated from the armor form, "But now they think it's... annoying."

"Oh great..."

A loud slam came from the door, where William, Royko, and Hawkeye stood against it, heaving.

"They're here," Mustang huffed.

"Who?"

"_The fangirls_..."

"No!"

"I'll be able to fend them off for a while," said Hawkeye, cocking his gun, "But they're still thirsty for blood, and I'm afraid they all want you dead, and William and I as trophies."

"This can't be happening!" Edwina moaned.

"You'd better believe it!" William snapped, pulling out a sizeable wrench.

"Edwina. Alice. Royko. Can you still run?"

"Heck yes we can!" Royko responded for the rest of them, flinging the windows open.

And run they did...


End file.
